There are certain arenas of life where batting .500 is considered a good thing:
- Baseball
- Shooting behind the 3-point arc in basketball
- The Lottery
- Talking to girls without getting slapped in the face
- Remembering everyone's name at a family reunion
- Times you scream "YUM!" after someone says "Red Robin"
There are many more examples, just giving you the scope of when getting it done half the time is acceptable. Notice "Fantasy Football" was not on the list.
After two losses, my only excuse left is, "Well, maybe it's cold season already". The change in the weather really messes with some guys...A runny nose is nothing to turn your nose up at. Both literally and metaphorically. See, if you turn your nose up when it's runny, everyone will see your boogers. And also, I was saying the situation of a runny nose is more serious than you may think.
The replacement refs are gone. I'm fairly sure the shaking-off-the-rust period ended with Week 2. So why do my guys continue to underachieve at such an incredible rate? I have no answer. But I do want to take this moment to give Victor Cruz's mother a shout-out for her contribution to his game. Let's take a look...
A class act, that Cruz family. Maybe this week I'll have all my player's moms sneak onto the field with a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Soup.
Here's the losing lineup...
Starting Lineup (Howard's Heroes)
QB- Cam Newton 215 Pass Yds, 2 Pass TDs, 86 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD 48.1
QB- Robert Griffin III 323 Pass Yds, 36 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD 51.9
RB- Darren McFadden 34 Rush Yds, 4 Rec Yds 3.8
RB- Reggie Bush 67 Rush Yds 6.7
WR- Brandon LaFell Absolutely Nothing 0.0
WR- Eric Decker 79 Rec Yds, 1 Rec TD 13.9
WR- Victor Cruz 109 Yds, 1 Rec TD 26.9
TE- Brandon Pettigrew 67 Rec Yds 6.7
TE- Jermichael Finley 54 Rec Yds 5.4
FLEX- Fred Jackson 29 Rush Yds, 1 Fum, 50 Rec Yds 5.9
K- David Akers 4 PAT, 1 30-39, 1 40-49, 2 Misses 13.0
Defense- Seattle Seahawks 19 Points, 2 Sacks, 1 Int 5.0
I was pretty satisfied with my quarterback play. Cam had a tough matchup against an undefeated Atlanta team (who just squeaked out a victory), and RGIII met expectations against a pretty weak-sauce Bucs defense (3rd-worst in the league on yards per game). Aside from that, realistically, you're not going to win with your three running backs combining for 16.7 points.
With his combined two-week total of 27 yards (0 this week), Brandon LaFell has officially earned himself a spot on the unemployment line. It's almost like in high school when kids would get 0.4 GPAs. You almost have to TRY to do that terrible. In your head you have to say, "I will go out of my way to do as miserable as I can in every subject". That is Brandon LaFell.
I played the only undefeated team left in the league in MandingoCakeFarts (cleverly named and managed by my friend, Jordan Beam). But please, for you and me, do NOT Google "Mandingo" or "Cake Farts". You've been warned...
The Bad Guys (MandingoCakeFarts)
QB- Matt Ryan 369 Pass Yds, 3 Pass Tds, 1 Int 71.9
QB- Phillip Rivers 209 Pass Yds, 2 Pass TDs, 1 Int 29.9
RB- Arian Foster 86 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD, 8 Rec Yds 15.4
RB- DeMarco Murray 24 Rush Yds, 57 Rec Yds 8.1
WR- Demaryius Thomas 103 Rec Yds, 1 Fum 18.3
WR- Calvin Johnson 54 Rec Yds 5.4
WR- Andre Johnson 56 Rec Yds 5.6
TE- Tony Gonzalez 51 Rec Yds 5.1
TE- Vernon Davis 28 Rec Yds 2.8
FLEX- Cedric Benson 84 Rush Yds, 22 Rec Yds 10.6
K- Stephen Gostkowski 7 PAT, 1 30-39, 2 Misses 11.0
Defense- Houston Texans 14 Pts, 4 Sacks, 2 Ints, 1 Fum, 2 TDs 23.0
Matty Ice. The Mattural. The Matt in the Hat. Whatever you want to call him, the man ripped my heart out this week. Like the guy in the horn helmet from Temple of Doom. He gingerly caressed my cheek, spoke some gibberish, and then bare-handed ripped my heart out.
Overall, the Cake Farts (as they will be known from here on out) didn't play well. For the marquee matchup that this was, the #1 vs. the #2, the scores were less-than-impressive. Kind of like going to watch a prize fight and it ending in disqualification because one fighter decided to bite the other ones ear off.
In this case, I would've been Tyson. Frustrated, on the ropes, losing, and hungry for ears. I'll be even hungrier for ears this week. I'm on a two-game losing streak but I still feel like I'm the best in the game.
Congratulations to Jordan Beam and his MandingoCakeFarts (again, stay away from Google). They are the only undefeated team in the league at 4-0.
The season is young, and so am I. The Heroes got crop-dusted by the Cake Farts. We'll have to plug our noses and come into Week 5 hungry. Hungry for ears.
Howard's Heroes: 187.3 MandingoCakeFarts: 207.1
Howard's Heroes 2-2
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