Pickin A Kicker

There is really no debating that the kicker is the least-manly of all positions on a fantasy football roster. While the other guys are running, hitting, and showing off their greased up muscles, the kicker is on the sidelines playing with tees. 

I will say when I have little Dexters (give it like 30 years or so), I'm going to encourage them to do nothing but kick footballs. Seabastian Janikowski got paid nearly 5 million dollars in 2011...for kicking a football real hard. If you ever just sit down and try to wrap your head around this (or the outrageous salaries of athletes in general) you might have one of those "dust in the wind" moments. It's like thinking about the galaxy. Or black holes. Or how God got here before anything else. That one always gets me me. 

But the reason for me getting all philosophical is to basically say KICKERS ARE IMPORTANT. It's the reason I'm going to force my children to spend hours in the backyard, bare-foot kicking medicine balls (improving strength and toughness). It's also the reason you need to take your fantasy kicker seriously. Yea, he's probably some pudgy 40-year-old man who runs a 5.4 40-yard dash, but let's not judge a book by its cover. Let's judge the book by how many yards out they can be when they put a ball through the uprights. Isn't that the truest judge of character?

Pickin' Yo Kicker

• Get A Boot- A couple current guys who are notorious for the hitting the long ball are Sebastian Janikowski of the Raiders (remember the payroll?) and David Akers of the 49ers. Both kickers are in a four-way tie for the longest field goal made with a 63-yarder. Akers and Tom Dempsey are the only two record-holders who put it through the uprights outside the thin air of Mile High Stadium. Akers is actually my current kicker and he hasn't disappointed. I'll get into more match-up and offense oriented reasons for picking a kicker, but straight power always gets the job done. It's just easier knowing if your team has the ball at the 40, there's a chance your man can put it through the uprights from 57-yards out. 
• Pick An "Ehhh" Offense- Prolific scoring offenses like the Saints or the Falcons are great...if you like getting 1 point for PATs. No. You need the offense that is only "sorta" good. You want the team with the young quarterback who can't get it done in the clutch. You want the offense who gets stupid penalties in the red zone. Remember, you're not rooting for teams in fantasy football. If that's the case, you really don't get what this is all about, do you? The highest ranked kickers in the league right now? Greg Zuerlein for the 29th ranked Rams offense (points wise), and Jason Hanson of the 14th ranked Lions. 
• Defensive Matchups- Don't be afraid to do a little research, guys. Fantasy football is, after all, a huge deal. I've devoted an entire blog to it. Also, you're reading that blog. I'm going to put two and two together and guess that you play fantasy football and want to do well. Or you're just bored. Either way, listen up. Don't be afraid to pick up a new kicker based on that week's matchup. If a team with a decent kicker is going against a bend-but-don't-break defense (Panthers, Saints, and Raiders all give up TONS of field goals), scoop that kicker up. If you have a big name guy like a Janikowski or an Akers, I wouldn't recommend putting them on the waiver wire. But I'm saying maybe find room on your bench if you see a good matchup. Or you could just be that heartless guys that drops and picks up a new kicker every week. Never getting to really know that kicker as a person or really having an emotional connection. That's cold, bro. But that's how you could play it.

Oh, Danny Boy

I love you so. Danny Amendola we're talking about here, people. Sadly this isn't an Irish love ballad. It's more of a tragic blog post about the perpetually depressing career of young Amendola. Poor guy. 

"With the 116th pick in the Sunday Sauce Fantasy Draft, Howard's Heroes select Danny Amendola" - Commissioner Goodell

This is how our affair started. With me stealing Amendola 15th round in our fantasy draft. I felt good about it for the first 4 weeks. The kid was scary quick. He was getting plenty of touches. But he did have a history. And history tends to repeat itself. 

Amendola's junior NFL year started full of promise. It ended with the Texas Tech stand-out benched after one game with a dislocated elbow. He would miss the season. 

The wide out started 2012 looking strong. He was about the only weapon on an offense that desperately needed some outs. Stephen Jackson is still a good back, but he's looking a little seasoned these days. I won't hesitate to say Amendola was the X-factor for the Rams to start off the season 2-2 (along with a pretty stout-looking defense).

From X-factor to X-rays. Amendola started off his Thursday night with a sick one-handed grab. Giving me 4.4 points for my fantasy team and a good feeling about the week. I keep the smiles to myself though. With the luck I've had the past couple of weeks, I knew it was only a matter of time before some Tonya Harding/NancyKerrigan-esque incident happened. 

"WHYYYYYYYY? WHYYYYYY?"

Laying out for a ball early in the game, Amendola looked to make a nice grab. Upon further review, the ball bounced on the ground and the big play was ruled incomplete. Bad news for Howard's Heroes. Even worse news came when I realized Danny wasn't on the field. Where'd you go, Danny?! Then I saw the worse news. Along with the ball, Danny's shoulder has also taken a pretty good bounce off the field. Amendola had his helmet off on the sidelines, wincing as trainers felt his shoulder. 

Turns out nothing is broken, but he did dislocate something having to do with his clavicle or shoulder. You get never get the real doctor's diagnosis from Rotowire. But Amendola will miss 4 to 8 weeks. Enough for me to put him on waivers. It's been fun Danny.

A moment of silence please...

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.

Well that was depressing! I cried just now. Here are some receivers you can grab to replace young Amendola who might still be available in your league. 

-Brian Hartline, Dolphins

-James Jones, Packers

-Andre Robers, Cardinals 

-Nate Washington, Titans 

-Brandon Gibson, Rams 

The loss of a player is always sad. Luckily we didn't know him personally and it's just Fantasy Football so lets wipe our eyes and get the hell over it. Happy trails to Danny Amendola. Oh, Danny boy...

Mediocrity: Week 4

Howard's Heroes have hit an all-time low. 2-2...

There are certain arenas of life where batting .500 is considered a good thing:

- Baseball

- Shooting behind the 3-point arc in basketball

- The Lottery

- Talking to girls without getting slapped in the face 

- Remembering everyone's name at a family reunion 

- Times you scream "YUM!" after someone says "Red Robin"

There are many more examples, just giving you the scope of when getting it done half the time is acceptable. Notice "Fantasy Football" was not on the list. 

After two losses, my only excuse left is,  "Well, maybe it's cold season already". The change in the weather really messes with some guys...A runny nose is nothing to turn your nose up at. Both literally and metaphorically. See, if you turn your nose up when it's runny, everyone will see your boogers. And also, I was saying the situation of a runny nose is more serious than you may think. 

The replacement refs are gone. I'm fairly sure the shaking-off-the-rust period ended with Week 2. So why do my guys continue to underachieve at such an incredible rate? I have no answer. But I do want to take this moment to give Victor Cruz's mother a shout-out for her contribution to his game. Let's take a look...

A class act, that Cruz family. Maybe this week I'll have all my player's moms sneak onto the field with a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Soup. 

Here's the losing lineup...

Starting Lineup (Howard's Heroes)

QB- Cam Newton 215 Pass Yds, 2 Pass TDs, 86 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD 48.1

QB- Robert Griffin III 323 Pass Yds, 36 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD 51.9

RB- Darren McFadden 34 Rush Yds, 4 Rec Yds 3.8 

RB- Reggie Bush 67 Rush Yds 6.7

WR- Brandon LaFell Absolutely Nothing 0.0

WR- Eric Decker 79 Rec Yds, 1 Rec TD 13.9

WR- Victor Cruz 109 Yds, 1 Rec TD 26.9 

TE- Brandon Pettigrew 67 Rec Yds 6.7 

TE- Jermichael Finley 54 Rec Yds 5.4 

FLEX- Fred Jackson 29 Rush Yds, 1 Fum, 50 Rec Yds 5.9

K- David Akers 4 PAT, 1 30-39, 1 40-49, 2 Misses 13.0

Defense- Seattle Seahawks 19 Points, 2 Sacks, 1 Int 5.0

I was pretty satisfied with my quarterback play. Cam had a tough matchup against an undefeated Atlanta team (who just squeaked out a victory), and RGIII met expectations against a pretty weak-sauce Bucs defense (3rd-worst in the league on yards per game). Aside from that, realistically, you're not going to win with your three running backs combining for 16.7 points. 

With his combined two-week total of 27 yards (0 this week), Brandon LaFell has officially earned himself a spot on the unemployment line. It's almost like in high school when kids would get 0.4 GPAs. You almost have to TRY to do that terrible. In your head you have to say, "I will go out of my way to do as miserable as I can in every subject". That is Brandon LaFell.

I played the only undefeated team left in the league in MandingoCakeFarts (cleverly named and managed by my friend, Jordan Beam). But please, for you and me, do NOT Google "Mandingo" or "Cake Farts". You've been warned...

The Bad Guys (MandingoCakeFarts)

QB- Matt Ryan 369 Pass Yds, 3 Pass Tds, 1 Int 71.9

QB- Phillip Rivers 209 Pass Yds, 2 Pass TDs, 1 Int 29.9

RB- Arian Foster 86 Rush Yds, 1 Rush TD, 8 Rec Yds 15.4

RB- DeMarco Murray 24 Rush Yds, 57 Rec Yds 8.1 

WR- Demaryius Thomas 103 Rec Yds, 1 Fum 18.3 

WR- Calvin Johnson 54 Rec Yds 5.4 

WR- Andre Johnson 56 Rec Yds 5.6 

TE- Tony Gonzalez 51 Rec Yds 5.1 

TE- Vernon Davis 28 Rec Yds 2.8 

FLEX- Cedric Benson 84 Rush Yds, 22 Rec Yds 10.6

K- Stephen Gostkowski 7 PAT, 1 30-39, 2 Misses 11.0 

Defense- Houston Texans 14 Pts, 4 Sacks, 2 Ints, 1 Fum, 2 TDs 23.0

Matty Ice. The Mattural. The Matt in the Hat. Whatever you want to call him, the man ripped my heart out this week. Like the guy in the horn helmet from Temple of Doom. He gingerly caressed my cheek, spoke some gibberish, and then bare-handed ripped my heart out. 

Overall, the Cake Farts (as they will be known from here on out) didn't play well. For the marquee matchup that this was, the #1 vs. the #2, the scores were less-than-impressive. Kind of like going to watch a prize fight and it ending in disqualification because one fighter decided to bite the other ones ear off. 

In this case, I would've been Tyson. Frustrated, on the ropes, losing, and hungry for ears. I'll be even hungrier for ears this week. I'm on a two-game losing streak but I still feel like I'm the best in the game.

Congratulations to Jordan Beam and his MandingoCakeFarts (again, stay away from Google). They are the only undefeated team in the league at 4-0.

The season is young, and so am I. The Heroes got crop-dusted by the Cake Farts. We'll have to plug our noses and come into Week 5 hungry. Hungry for ears. 

Howard's Heroes: 187.3  MandingoCakeFarts: 207.1

Howard's Heroes 2-2