Fantasy Rules To Live By

First off, let me just get some things off my chest...

Fantasy Football is not a game people! It's not "haha hehe I want to play Fantasy this year". Oh no. If that's the kind of attitude you have while joining a league then you are not only cheating that league, and the integrity of having a make-believe roster of NFL superstars...you're cheating yourself.

Think of Fantasy Football as anything else you do to prove how awesome you are. "Hey, Mom and Dad, I made the Deans List!" Awesome. "Hey Billy, I sure did cream you in that game of HORSE!" Awesome. "Every everybody, I picked up Victor Cruz off the waiver wire and now he's putting up some of the biggest numbers in the NFL!" Awesome. And me last year, thankfully. It really was beautiful watching that man run his 4.4 speed up the sidelines only to salsa dance in the end zone. I cried every time. Bawled like a baby when he scored two fourth-quarter TDs against the Saints. Anyway, off topic...

You should take pride in your Fantasy Football team. It is YOUR brain child. You are the one that makes the decision to start Darren Sproles in your flex spot over Torrey Smith. Is it a good decision? I don't know. But if Sproles has that big game (maybe the Saints ran 37 screen plays), you are looking like the genius. I wouldn't go so far to call the strategy level in Fantasy Football like a game of chess. But then again, I would never put it on the mindless stupidity level of checkers. There's bragging rights and pride to be won here people! So put your checker boards away, ya buffoons, and start taking notes.

Dexter Howard's Fantastical Fantasy Rules That Will Make You Fantastic At Fantasy

1. Do Your Homework! ---- Awww no, Dexter! Not homework! We hate homework! Well that's too damn bad. I wish I would've thought about that before I enrolled in college and you should've thought about that before you joined a league. Besides, this is fun homework! Figure out the guys who impressed you last year and who are looking good in the pre-season. Write out 15 people per position that you wouldn't mind adding to your ranks of extraordinary gentlemen millionaires, and then draft them. I'm old school so I had a little cheat sheet next to me throughout my entire fantasy draft. Every time one of these prospects on the list got drafted by someone else I had a routine. I would uncap my pen, sadly cross their name off the paper (which read "The Future Heroes of Howard's Heroes?"), and then curse loudly at whoever had stolen them from my team. I want you all to do the exact same thing. If you don't cuss, call that person "A lousy, pick-stealing poophead" and leave it at that.

Put so much research into your pick that you feel invested in them. You KNOW they are going to do well, because they are on your draft list. Once draft day comes around, you'll feel that sting when a player gets "taken" from you. It's kind of like getting broken up with dozens of times in one sitting. But there are plenty of other fast, muscular fish in the sea. The feeling that you get upon drafting someone you wanted I can only compare to your girlfriend taking you back. And then you saying "Remember when you dumped me five minutes ago? No. No. You do not take me back. I receive you into my life and I want you to know you have a lot of trust to earn back." You showed that girlfriend. Ahhh, what a great feeling. You took my advice, and now you're on top.

2. Projections Shmoshmections ---- How many times have you and a friend been talking and they've started a sentence with "I bet"? I bet it's gonna rain today 'cuz my big toe hurts. I bet I got an 'A' on that test 'cuz I studied a lot. I bet if I buy this chick a drink and then we dance to the "Cupid Shuffle" she'll come home with me tonight 'cuz I'm awesome. Your friend was wrong every time. It didn't rain that day, your friend's big toe just hurt because they have gout. Your friend got a C- on the test because their idea of studying is listening to 2 Chainz, drinking Red Bulls and glancing down at the book during commercials for "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". Also, that girl did not, in fact, come home with your friend. She danced with him as a bet and made $20 for her troubles. You guys following me with this? You can't put so much stake into what other people think. Fantasy is no different.

In whatever league you play in they'll have these projections. Season projections, weekly projections, position rankings. It's really a lot to take in and can be kind of intimidating. Don't let it be. Projections can be good I guess for people that know absolutely nothing about the NFL, but you guys all did your homework! Remember #1? If you want to take 5th ranked Quarterback, Cam Newton, over 1st ranked Aaron Rodgers, then do it. I know I did. At the risk of sounding like the horrible song by Roxette, listen to your heart. You can listen to all these men in suits who literally get paid to make over-bearing opinions on everything in sport (best job in the world by the way), or you can make an educated decision for yourself. It's your team after all. Don't let your friend convince you it's gonna rain and then find yourself wearing a Tim Tebow poncho.

3. Live For The Waiver Wire ---- You know all those times when you were bad as a kid and your parents would say, "I wish we could trade you in for a better son"? God, it seemed to happen every day! Well, the waiver wire in fantasy is basically you finding that better son. For those who don't know what the "waiver wire" is, all that talent that goes un-drafted just kind of sits in a pool of misfit toy players. Waiting to be loved and played with by someone. That's the waiver wire.

The waiver wire is for those of you out there who know how to adapt and overcome adversity. I know I'm starting to sound very serious about Fantasy Football, but the wire holds a special place in my heart. Last year literally every running back I picked up got injured. Fred Jackson, broken leg. Darren McFadden, something about his foot. DeMarco Murray, ankle stuff. And while these are three of the top running backs in this years crop (Fred Jackson is one of my Heroes), I had to battle some adversity last year. Louisville Cardinal, Michael Bush proved to be impressive for the Raiders after Run DMC went down. I got him off the waiver wire. But not just injuries, always be scoping out that talent. If for some un-Godly reason you find yourself watching a Rams game one week, you might think "Wow, Danny Amendola is getting a lot of looks from Sam Bradford". Couldn't hurt to pick him up the following week.

4. Win ---- Nothing really to say here. Adapt and overcome my babies. I just wanted to give you guys a a little basic strategy and inspiration with this post. A Lou Holtz pep talk for starting your season if you will. Minus all the spit and drool. I'll start talking more about guys that are impressing me and depressing me in the weeks to come. Now get out there and live vicariously through seriously-talented athletes!