All censored versions of the real words I used last Sunday when my "premiere" running back, Fred Jackson, decided he wanted to sprain his right knee ligament. I can't prove anything, but I'm pretty sure some of the guys in my league talked him into it.
Now a story about the genius of me. There I was. A wreck. Tears running down my face. Beer dribbling down my chin. And no pizza left in the pizza box. Rock bottom. The genius part hasn't happened yet, so please, quit judging.
I knew I needed a running back other than Reggie Bush if Howard's Heroes were going to compete for a championship. I also knew the man I wanted. Mr. Run DMC himself. No not, Rev Run. He has nothing to do with fantasy football. Please keep up. Darren McFadden. Darren McFadden was going to propel my team back to it's original greatness we had before Jackson hurt his knee five minutes ago. The only problem was, McFadden is a big-name back. He was already on another team. I would have to swindle him away from Car Ramrod.
Now kids gather 'round and pay attention. This is how you make a trade in Fantasy Football. And boy, did Howard's Heroes need a trade right now.
Making A Trade For Dumb Dumb Heads
1. Who You Need, Holmes? - In my case it was very basically, a running back. I knew I wanted McFadden. I also knew I couldn't be picky unless I was smart.
2. Be A Choosy-Charmy Beggar - Beggars can't always be choosers. But sometimes the beggars are just too damn charming to not throw some change at. You know how you go to Indianapolis and pass up 20 homeless people without a second thought? If that is the case, then shame on you! Homelessness is a growing epidemic affecting very real people all throughout America and it deserves at least a second thought from you! Anyway, after passing dozens of the less-fortunate without even scraping the lint out of your pockets, you may find one homeless person who you feel is worth your hard earned silver currency. Maybe this person has a cool hat on. Maybe a clever sign that says "Who am I kidding? It's for beer!". Or maybe they tell you a funny knock knock joke in passing. Whatever the reason, you got out your change and threw a couple of nickels their way. You want to be this homeless person in Fantasy Football. Don't take me literally, sell all your possessions and stop showering. Be a metaphorical homeless man. One who knows how to get all the ladies to open their change purses. Just put yourself in a spot, personally, with the person you want to trade. And then, you charm the trade nickels right out of them.
3. Who You Got, Holmes? - This category is vital! You need to scope out the team of the person you're trying to make a trade with. What are they missing? In my case, the team I wanted to trade with needed a QB and some help at WR. Even if that person doesn't know it yet, you let them know that they need help. "Hey, I noticed you're starting Tony Romo and Carson Palmer. Even if you want to run a team around Tony Romo (he's a pretty good quarterback but say this sarcastically like you know something is terribly wrong with him), Carson Palmer almost throws as many picks as he does TDs. Also, I noticed three of your receivers are questionable this week. I think I can help you out, buddy".
4. If They Need It, You GOT IT! - And if you don't got it, you better get someone convincing off the waiver wire. In my case that's exactly what happened. Car Ramrod needed a Quarterback. I had two that I was not willing to part with in Newton and RGIII. But also, Joe Flacco just came off a 300 yard game (299 if we're being nerds about it) with 2 TDs. Also, he was sitting pretty on the waiver wire. I knew if I moved in and scooped him, with the Ravens offense looking pretty prolific in Week 1, I could use him for trade fodder. Now I don't want you to go out and blindly pick up Joe Flacco thinking someone will trade with you. If someone needs a good QB, Flacco is definitely an option. Just know what the other guy (or girl, they play in more progressive leagues) wants. I knew Darren McFadden would be a pretty big acquisition and it might take a little more than a waiver wire pickup to trade for him. I decided Marques Colston would take the trade from "Ehh" to "YES! YES! YEEEEESSS!" for Car RamRod. I'm pretty happy with my current receiving core of Garcon, Cruz, and Decker. I've also got Ogletree, Amendola, and LaFell sitting my bench. Colston was a guy I was willing to give up for a running back that I desperately needed.
5. Make The Trade! - You can prepare, assemble, and talk about it as much as you want. At the end of the day, just make sure you make the trade. Did Stella quit when she lost her groove? No. She went and got her groove back. Did Howard's Heroes quit when Fred Jackson let us down again? No. We cried a little bit, but then we stopped after a couple hours...and got our groove back. If you lost someone, or just need someone new, don't give up. Get your groove back, Stellas! Make that trade and get yo man.
Morals Of The Post
- Where players are concerned, treat them like the stock exchange. Buy low (waiver wire free kind of low), sell high (Darren McFadden kind of high).
- Winners find a way to win like the winningest winners they can possibly become. There's usually always a way out of a bad Fantasy Football predicament. Take the initiative.
- Get your groove back, Stella. Just because you're 40 years old, that doesn't mean you can't hook up with Taye Diggs. Here's an IMDB link to the movie so you can get this important reference.
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